World crashes .... Life is FUBAR

“Don’t even think about it. The more you ponder, the more you gonna be disturbed.” Aneesh literally yelled at me
“Then what you expect me to do? I understand what I am going to do isn’t that easy as it looks, but do I have a choice” I snapped.

Standing beneath the shower I loosened the faucet and faced upwards. The water sprinkled on my face and ran down my body. I was engulfed by a thin sheet of cold water as it tried to resurrect my numb senses. The sheet broke into different streams as it lost contact with me at my fingers, my legs ....... As the stream neared the last contact, it lost its transparency; the floor turned light red due to the blood …. But it wasn’t mine.

I had returned home after grueling thirty six hours, eighteen hours of which were spent in hospital. A nasty accident previous night shook the ground under my feet. Project in disaster recovery phase, the accident and my love life …. All were in deep deep shit. I had to play the tough guy.

Things got back on track after couple of months. The project started cruising and the hardship allowance healed the blow to my bank account. I thought it was the perfect time to conciliate with my love life.

25th Jan 2008
I was to fly to Japan the next day. I had told her everything, opened the tightly sealed emotions, and vented all my feelings for her day before yesterday. I had just couple of hours to know whether I had a bleak possibility to make this work. As it usually happens, there were lot of if’s, buts’ and maybe’s. I flew to Japan on 26th, keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for best.

25th Feb 2008
I came back to India and first thing I did was to meet her. We spent couple of hours having coffee at CCD. I told her everything about me; as good as an in depth debriefing to a mission called as marriage. For two weeks we met regularly, chatted, watched movies, went out on drive and I put my entire life, experiences and dreams in front of her …… an open book that she read for a fortnight.

On an innocuous, mundane Wednesday, I proposed her in one of the most romantic way that I had dreamed of.

25th March 2008
She said yes.

Today - 25th April 2008
I woke up and didn’t feel good. I had the worst ever feeling of being where I was, the way circumstances culminated to a sorrowful despair. I was supposed to be engaged today, but the previous week’s events had washed away all my dreams, ripped away my happiness and I plummeted into an abyss. The engagement was called off.

Past few days haven’t been easy, rather they have been interesting. Humumgous developments in such a small time span have shaken the world around me; the very world that I created by meticulously selecting the oceans, the trees, the deserts and lot more. I enjoyed each and every moment spent in carving this beautiful world oblivious to the fact that I had woven the dreams with one weak thread. A gently tug could result in a catastrophe. Things go wrong when expected and they definitely go wrong when least expected. Someone pulled the thread, my world crashed ….. Life is Fucked Up Beyond Any Recall

I built a sand castle on the coast when it was low tide. It is really easy to build one with wet sand, the grains seem to stick and gel well with each other. Where I faltered was to ignore the tide ………. The castle succumbed to the first wave of highwater.

I switched off the light in my room and Aneesh disappeared into the darkness …. Well, it is a fact that you don’t see your reflection in the dark. I played Linking Park – With You on my cell phone and turned on the shower to wash all my memoirs of her, wash away all the love with a hatred scrub, absolve all the good memories that made me hold on to the last moment …

The only mystery which I consciously don’t want to unfold ….It took her fourteen fucking days to say yes ….. And less than a day to say no ….. I did what they say about love …. ‘If you love someone, set her free. If she comes back then she is yours …. If she doesn’t …. She never was ….’

I have set her free …..

I woke up in a dream today, to the cold of the static and put my cold feet on the floor
Forgot all about yesterday, remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy and I'm left in the wake of the mistake
Slow to react even though you're so close to me
You're still so distant and I can't bring you back

It's true, the way I feel, was promised by your face
The sound of your voice, painted on my memories, even if you're not with me
I'm with you, you, now I see, I'm keeping everything inside
With you, you, now I see, even when I close my eyes
You're still so distant, And I can't bring you back ......